Acidic

You know,sometimes I wonder about the kind of culture we live in.Five days back,I read in the newspapers that Ritu Saini,a class XI student and a volleyball player,had acid thrown on her face by two youths in their twenties.A year earlier, two bikers had thrown acid on three girl students when they were returning home after their tuition classes.In July 2011,Kiran, a girl of 17, died in Sonipat after two youths on motorcycle had done the same despicable thing to her.

Why did a girl,who is not even out of her teens, have acid thrown on her?'Coz ...wait for it...she had rejected the marriage proposal of the main accused, Sanjay.

The motive in all the above cases is the same.Revenge.For having been snubbed.Proposals of friendship,love,marriage.Apparently permanently scarring the girls is the way to exact revenge for these rejected ass-holes who possess lesser emotional maturity than a drop of bird poop.

I mean,seriously? A girl blows you off and the only thing you can think of doing is targeting her vulnerability in this brutal,sadistic shit-holish way?The entire nation is going crazy about rape and all,while these mother-fuckers are happily spray-painting the faces of women  with muriatic acid.What kind of a sick mind does it take to do that?

Look,I know rejection hurts,alright?It is like being told on your face that no matter what you feel for this person,you are just not good enough for her.And it is hard not to writhe in insult and agonize over how you can possibly get back at her for the world of misery she has drowned you in right now.But dude,the anger is supposed to go away. Rejection is a part of life. You cannot go on obsessing over it like a kid who has just been denied his candy.I mean,permanently disfiguring and mutilating someone?What if someone did the same shit to your mother? Or your sister? Or even you?!!!  That's your solution to the equation of proposal and rejection? Screw you!

And this brings me to the larger picture. How on earth can a girl ever feel safe if scoundrels like these are roaming the streets,lanes and pavements she frequents?Guys who go way beyond just throwing lecherous glances and snide comments.Guys who are in perpetual conflict with their testosterone,aggression and impulse.So much so that they just can't think with their pea-sized brains regarding  the consequences of their actions.

Look,I know a lot of people (guys and gals alike) make a big deal of how a woman chooses to dress and all that.Skimpy outfits attract rapists,or so they say.You know something?It is so F-ing convenient to put the blame on the victim. Even if it was true that women dressing provocatively were more likely to get raped, it would still not be their fault. It is presented as if men had no power over their actions and just couldn't help themselves at the sight of a scantily clad woman.I wonder if this means people can avoid car jackings by driving unwanted cars,or a bike.As far as I am concerned,I don't think dressing more 'appropriately' will help reduce the possibility of a woman getting raped in any way.Having the misfortune of being near a rapist is what increases the chances of being raped, regardless of attire. Opportunities for rapists are not so abundant that they can afford to be very choosy. It's situational or compulsion based.

And you know,all this-this overwhelming plethora of negative feelings and biases against women,this can never prove to be healthy for our culture.Every guy wants a bride who can take care of his parents and his children.They often forget that leaving her family to settle down with another is itself a huge adjustment.And pile on top of it unrealistic expectations like she is gotta be able to cook,manage the house-work, raise the children,haggle with the grocery man for the best prices, and satisfy the hubby at the same time.I mean it is a shit load of work!Being a home-maker is a full time activity which keeps my mom on her toes all the time.And yet,even today we expect a woman who is almost as well educated as us to know how to cook a great meal,how to give a great leg massage to our elders,carry the drinks on a tray into the drawing room whenever guests visit,do this,do that,blah blah and blah.The degrees she might have under her belt don't matter.The effort and money her parents invested in getting her a quality education doesn't matter.All of that is basically a huge preparation phase for her to become the ideal house-wife(read,all-rounder tireless machine with 10 hands to juggle 100 different activities at the same time).

And at the heart of all this is a set of gender-based stereotypical expectations which a man and a woman are supposed to fulfill.A guy is supposed to be the bread-earner.He is supposed to earn more than the girl.And the girl is supposed to return this favor by being the best spouse imaginable.I mean,seriously,festivities like Karwa Chauth and all,what do they mean in today's context?I don't have a problem with women staying hungry wishing for the safety of their husbands.But why isn't there a festivity where a guy does the same for his woman?Why blindly follow a religious practice which so obviously relegate women to a secondary position alongside men?

We are a part of a culture,which has somehow become very comfortable with zero accountability with respect to crimes against women.I wonder,if I have a kid one day,and it is a cherubic little daughter,how the hell am I gonna raise her?It's like every time she steps out of the house,I will be worried sick.I wonder what the lawmakers would suggest women do to protect themselves then.Cover oneself from head to toe with bandages like a mummy straight out of a archaeological dig? Like,don't show any skin at all.Lest the potential otherwise gentle-hearted rapists get tempted to do something ugly.Which,even if it happens,would totally be the fault of my daughter anyway.A tiny fraction of her cheek was showing through the bandages,and the accused(blessed soul) couldn't resist the temptation which she had so provocatively dangled in front of him.She asked for it.C'mon,what was she thinking?

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The Game

You know in life,there will always be stuff you are naturally good at and others where you aren't.In order to excel at anything where your genes and nurturing have failed you,there are always hurdles, obstacles, or challenges one must get past. It's what bodybuilders call the pain period. It is the busted tendon,the over-stretched muscle or the torn tissue which makes even a simple arm curl seem like an invitation to wincing pain.Even worse, it is the sickening feeling which looks back at you from the mirror. The one where you get rejected by your own reflection.The one which says no matter how much you are sweating it,you are still just not good enough.
Those who push themselves, and are willing to face pain, exhaustion, humiliation, rejection, or worse, are the ones who become champions. The rest are left on the sidelines. To accomplish things successfully, I would have to grow some balls and be willing to leave my comfort zone. Success is a numbers game. The more trials I run,the more chances I have of getting to where I want. It is a game. A game I have to play with myself. It's where I am squared off against a mistake I'd been making my whole life: to get something I value very much, I have to be willing to risk losing it.

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Beach Lame-o-nade II

The following is an entry for The Lakme Diva Blogger Contest.Look,I know I ain't gonna win it,okay?:-D But anyway,I thought I owed it to myself to at least complete the story from where I left off last week.Please do visit their FB page here.:-)Just for a heads-up,Kyra is Lakme's Sunshine girl!And in case you haven't read Part I,you can go here.

Okay.That's it from my side.Peace out.

Kyra: Ok. So how exactly can a jerk of a guy convince a girl that he is the nice, sensitive kind?

Me: It’s simpler than you think.

Kyra: Oh really?

Me: Totally. Your friend Anjee, who fell for that ass Suyash, was totally duped by that guy. He didn’t suddenly change or anything. He was what he was all along. He just managed to sucker you people well enough.

Kyra (vexed): Sucker us? And you think that’s so easy?

Me (nonchalantly): Why not? I mean, to appear warm, caring, sensitive and all that, all that a guy has to say is things like........“I LOVE children. I adore them. And the amazing thing is, there is SOOO much you can learn from them.”............ Or “I really don’t care what a woman looks like, as long as her inner beauty shines through.”(Kyra looks at me with a bemused expression)............ Or even “I spent a year working with retarded people. It really helped me grow.” You just have to have her fooled.

Kyra (smiling): Ok hotshot! So what if she wants her man macho?

Me (corners of my mouth turning up into a crooked smile): Simple. Just reverse the earlier statements. Like “They oughta just takeall the retards out and shoot them.”

Kyra breaks out into a laugh.

Me (smirking): Pretty elementary stuff.

Kyra dips her hands into the lake water and splashes some at me. Naughtily pouting all the time. My hands are pulling and heaving the oars of the row boat. So that rules out returning the favour.

Kyra (sighing satisfactorily, soaking in the cheerful sun’s rays): A sexy breeze and lazy fun. A relaxing boat ride in the sun.

Me: Congratulations. You made that rhyme.

Kyra (her naughty smile sitting pretty on her lips again): Why thank you. You know sometimes you have me fooled that you might actually be a nice guy. Say...by the way...is there any more faux-sensitive pick-up lines I should be careful about?

Me: Do I get to go on a dinner date with you if I tell you?

Kyra: Haww! You slimy slick bastard!! I already consented to this boat ride with you, didn’t I?

Me (rolling eyes):  Oh boy! I open up the Pandora’s Box of pick-up lines for her and what do I get? A cold heartless insult. Inner beauty. So frighteningly rare these days.

Kyra (with arms crossed over her chest):  You can totally get on a girl’s nerves, do you know that? Like last week, you annoyed the hell out of me in front of that gal Shruti. And now.....

Me: Last week I finished it off with a delightful margarita and a befitting compliment. That should have totally wiped my Karmic slate clean.

Kyra (overtly sarcastic): Right! Like that margarita washing down my throat was totally washing your conscience clean too.

Me: We are arguing like a geriatric married couple.

Kyra: Hmmphhh! A loyal hubby would bring some flowers to his wife to apologize.

Me: And a good wife would make some nice cool sherbet for her over-strained hubby in this summer. (I point to the oars in my hand)

Kyra: I would rather file for a divorce.

Me: Good. On the way to the lawyer, pick up some iced tea and triple-scoop sundae for me.

Kyra bursts out laughing again. I can’t resist joining in.

Kyra (leaning towards me, her face inches away from mine, a playful sparkle in her eye): Ok, hotshot. Say if I do agree to go on another date with you. Totally hypothetically. What would we do? Another boat-ride? ‘Coz you gotta bring something better than that.

Me:  Hmm. Spend a lazy day lounging on the beaches. Have a wonderful moonlit picnic in the night. Just think, the waves crashing in your ear, stars in your eyes, warm sand on your skin. And we will top that with some great food!

Kyra (her eyes squinting wickedly): Hmm. Sounds sexy. But I got higher standards.

Me:How about sitting in the park under a shady tree with us reading poetry to each other?

Kyra(sneering): Lame!Poetry and me? That would be a disaster.

You are poetry in motion, I think.How could that possibly be a disaster?

Me: Say..random question. If 'like' is the opposite of 'dislike',is 'aster' the opposite of 'disaster'? Aster.Like total bliss.Like you go to a place where you could see the city lights.While playing soft instrumental music.Then having her very close in your arms.Just hug and nibble on her earlobe and whisper to her that she really means a lot to you.And that it wouldn't be heaven on earth without her.Totally ‘aster’.

Kyra just smiles a sphynx-like smile and looks away.

Me(muttering under my breath): Guess she definitely ain't feeling the 'aster'.

Kyra (suddenly turning towards me):Ok.Nine o clock.Tonight.But where would we go?(She cocks her head to one side,challenging me) I like surprises.

Me(corners of my lips twisting up into a smile again): Leave that to me.

Kyra: Ok.So tell me.

Me: What?

Kyra: The other pick-up line to watch out for. You said you would tell me if I agree on the date,remember?

Me: Oh dear! You make me sound like a walking encyclopaedia of pick-up routines.

Kyra: You can't back out now,hotshot!

Me: Ok.This technique is most effective when demonstrated first-hand.When a guy and his date walks by a beggar,the guy hands him a hundred rupee note.Believe me,losing the hundred is totally worth it.And the guy tells to the poor man,sounding as concerned as he can,"Don't spend it on booze.Buy yourself a good meal or something.Ok?" And the guy tries not to look too pleased with himself.That would be like..(and I can't help smirking here).. the kiss-of-death for any would-be saint.The girl might be touched enough by his generosity and kindness to let him touch her later on.

Kyra (her eyes glistening with mischievous delight): Wicked! You are so goddamn wicked!!

Me: I am just glad you are not blaming my entire gender by calling it wicked.

Kyra (her sphynx-like smile back on her lips): Let's see what nine o' clock brings tonight,shall we?

Nine-fifteen in the night....

Kyra (a little miffed): Please tell me what exactly are we doing in the elevator of a thirty-storey building?

Me: This is the tallest building I could make arrangements for.

Kyra: Arrangements for what?

Me (winking at her): I thought you liked surprises.

Kyra (her arms crossing over her chest again): This better be good,Rahul! I don't like disappointments.

Me: And I don't make a living out of disappointing women who ooze confidence,sensuality and good breeding.So don't sweat it.

Kyra (shaking her head resignedly): Words.Words.Words.Are you related to Wordsworth in any way?
Me: I told you words and I share a connection.
Kyra: Whatever you say,Wordsworth.By the way,that's a pretty big bag you are carrying there.What's in there?

Me(smiling): A bag full of suprises.

We reach the roof. The place had an elevated sightseeing platform technically called an observation deck. As Kara looks at me curiously,I unpack my bag.I bring out a red tablecloth, two red candles and candlesticks, and a bottle of champagne. I finally bring out my Ipod and speakers. Kyra's eyes grow wide while she looks at the city and the stars from so high above. I set up the tablecloth and everything and start some soft music.

Me: Enjoying the starry skies?

Kyra (looking stunned and awed): This is just so...

Me (smiling teasingly): Surprising?

Kyra's cheeks turn crimson. She lowers her eyes for a moment.

Kyra (her voice considerably softer now): You know,Rahul. When I was this little kid running around in puppy dog braids,I always used to picture this.This....laying on the rooftop at night.Finding the stars and constellations together.While I and that someone are...(she lowers her eyes again).. cuddling in each other's arms.

Me (pulling her face up softly and looking deep into her eyes): A mid-summer night's dream,huh?And what if that someone had something to say about all this?

Kyra: What?

Me:Ohh,you know,the usual corny stuff.Like when he is with you he feels like he is on top of the world.And this..thirty storeys up.. is the closest he could get.

Kyra: Don't you ever get tired of your sarcasm,Mr.Manners?

Me:Care to dance?

As we dance and hold each other,Kyra suddenly starts laughing.I pull away surprised.

Me (puzzled): What?

Kyra (still fighting to control her laughter): Ok.How many gals did you run this routine on?

Me (pretending to think): Umm...I dunno..I lost count after six hundred and thirty nine.

Kyra (grinning): That's not very flattering for a woman to hear.

Me: I thought gals preferred honesty.

Kyra (putting her arms around my neck):Hmmm.You aren't so bad.I have seen better,but you aren't so bad. Plus,I am feeling it.

Me: Feeling what?

Kyra (biting her lower lip as she smilingly looks at my eyes):The 'aster'.Definitely feeling the 'aster.'

~The End~

P.S. I just realized one week back that I haven't written a rom-com in a very very long time. My next story will probably be a gory,violent one. So before that, I thought of dabbling with my favorite genre a bit.I hope you had fun reading this.Special thanks to Lakme for gifting me a super-feisty gorgeous girl to have as a heroine for my lame story.Anyways...adios!!!!!:-)

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Beach Lame-o-nade

The following is an entry for The Lakme Diva Blogger Contest.I know,a guy writing for a Lakme contest?Totally lame,right?Well,once you are fed up of the dose of lameness I am going to brutally dish out on you folks ,please do visit their FB page here.:-)Just for a heads-up,Kyra is Lakme's Sunshine girl!

Okay.That's it from my side.Peace out.Lame in.Oops..I meant Lakme in...;-) My bad!!

Me: I wonder why they don't give away hunks and hotties as prizes for winning the beach ball contests.

Kyra throws at me a curious glance.

Me:I mean,think about it.You get to hang out with a guy with visible abs and baseball-shaped biceps.And I get a gal with the perfect curves,a slim figure and a nice tan for guys to ogle over.What's wrong with this picture?

Kyra(laughing):Right!And what's wrong with just building castles in the air??!

Me(winking):You mean sandcastles in the sand,right?We're at the beach, remember?

Kyra:You like playing with words,huh?

Me:Words love to play with me.

Kyra:Oh really?

Me:Words love me.Adore me.It's like when I arrive..they're all over themselves..out there screaming my name.Near hysteria....intense fan frenzy..Some even pass out.

Kyra(with a tight-lipped smile):Modesty definitely ain't one of your prized possessions.

Me:Offence taken!Did you for once see me yell,whelp or do a victory dance after we won the beach ball contest today?I was humility personified.

Kyra:Well helloo!!Who scored the winning shot?!!(she points the index fingers of both her hands at herself)Who caught the ball after your butter fingers dropped it?(she points again)That drop could've cost us the whole match!Face it.If it weren't for me...

Me(interrupting, with an amused smile sitting on my lips):And 'you' will give me modesty lessons?I am not sure you are qualified.

(Kyra opens her mouth to speak,but I continue,ignoring her) Granted having beach classes on modesty might be fun.Especially when I have a cute instructor(I pause and look approvingly at Kyra)..in an electric blue swimsuit..nice highlights in her hair and a light tan.But still.I think I'll pass.

K(shaking her head,with a resigned smile):Ever considered using your "talents"(she puts her fingers up in a quoting gesture) for things other than hitting on me?

Me:It's a better alternative to hitting a beach ball.

Kyra:You are incorrigible.

Me:I find being incorrigible highly encourageable.

Kyra(laughing):Ok,word player!In order to save both our time,let me outline in brief what's going to happen here in a few minutes time.

Me:All ears.

Kyra:You're gonna keep on hitting on me and I'm gonna keep on rebuffing you.Until one of us gets tired of the whole thing and calls it quits.You sure you are up for all that?

Me:Or..we can dig our spoons into some prawn masala and fried rice.With maybe some chilli fry to go with it.We will finish that off with some caramel pudding and blueberry cheese cake.How does that sound?

Kyra:You make it sound tempting.

My face starts to light up.

Kyra(with a wicked relish):But still.I think I will pass.

Just then a petite girl in her early twenties walks over to where we are sipping on ice tea.

The gal:My gawd!!Kyra!!Is that really you??

Kyra(with her sunshine smile):Why,yes?What are you called,sugar??!!

The gal:Shruti!!I am a total fan of yours,Kyra!Me and my buddies -we dreamily stare when you just seem to naturally glow with your gorgeous summer tan!!

Kyra:Ohh!!That's so kind of you,Shruti!!(she then looking appreciately at Shruti)You don't look so bad yourself,sugar!!

Shruti starts giggling like a teenager who has received her very first compliment in her life.Guess appreciations from celebrities do that to you.

Shruti(after regaining her composure):Is it ok if I ask you how you work that magic with your skin?Me and my friends would totally love to know.

Me:Whatever happened to being confident and happy in your own skin?

Shruti looks at me puzzled.Kyra throws me a glare.

Kyra:Ohh,ignore him,Shruti!By the way,Mr.Manners here is called Rahul.

Shruti:Umm..hi..Rahul.

Me:Hi,Shruti!Now,if you will excuse me, I am just gonna sit back...and watch Ms.Baywatch here give tanning tips.

Kyra(irritated):Excuse me,but do you have any idea what we're talking about?

Me:What?It can't be any rocket science,right?

Shruti(giggling):Oh,Rahul!!Believe me.For me and my friends,it is.

Kyra:Shruti,there are self-bronzers and natural-looking spray tans available.Lakme has a cool collection.You can check them out!

Me:And that is supposed to give Shruti that beautiful golden brown beach babe look of yours?

Kyra glares at me again.

Me:Lakme self-bronzers.Totally saves the day for the less pigmentally gifted.

Kyra:Ignore his sarcasm,Shruti.He is a nasty little thing.

Shruti giggles again.She is slim, with smooth, gentle curves,a baby blue swimsuit that hugs her body at just the right spots, and a beautiful complexion, like a dreamy creamy mango dessert. What on earth does she need a tan for?

Shruti:By the way,I was dying to tell you this Kyra.I think you are the perfect BA for Lakme.

Me:BA?Bachelorette of Awesomeness?!!

Kyra(laughing):Brand Ambassador,doofus!

Shruti(smiling):Bachelorette of Awesomeness doesn't sound so bad!!Totally suits you Kyra.

Me:Yeah.But I guess Kyra's SPF 15 sunlotion blocks all my honest compliments.Just like the sunrays.

Kyra(raising her eyebrows mockingly):Honest compliments?And you?

Me:Yep.Totally me.And by the way,Shruti,I think you will totally look fab without much make-up.Slip on some flip flops, slide on some cool sunglasses and set the beach on fire!

Shruti(blushing):Umm...thanks!

I get up from my seat,offering it to Shruti.

Me:Ohh and by the way,Kyra..you totally need to change your SPF lip balm.

Kyra(frowning):Why?

I flash my mysterious smile and leave without answering.

Five minutes later,the waiter brought mint and pomegranate margaritas for the girls.

Kyra(surprised):We didn't order any of these.

The waiter:Ohh.The gentleman who was with you ordered these.And don't worry about the bill.He took care of it.Oh..and(he takes out a neatly folded paper napkin from his shirt pocket)..he asked me to give you this.

Kyra unfolds the paper.It read,"Glossy lip balms are painfully inadequate to protect those lips from that scorching bright smile of yours.Nothing below SPF 25 will do."

Kyra purses her lips and smiles.

Shruti:What does it say?

Kyra(still smiling):Guess Mr.Manners isn't so bad with the compliments after all.

To be continued..(you really want this lameness to be continued?:-P)

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Versatile Award...

You know these days I often wonder why I blog at all.:-) It's not that I aim to make money out of it or anything.Nor am I such a scintillating writer who leaves his readers begging for more.I sometimes rant here.I sometimes poke fun.I sometimes spin stories.I sometimes unleash my devilish and rotten imagination on my poor followers.
So basically and fundamentally-all that I do here basically serves no purpose at all.:-P Except maybe piss some people off.But that never topped the list of my priorities anyway.
So when Confused D hands me a Versatile Blogger award,my reaction is mixed.I don't know if I am versatile.I don't know if I deserve any award.At least,IndiBlogger Contests never think I deserve any.;-)
But anyway,CD is a sweet kid.And I owe her a BIG THANK YOU!And she gave me a super sweet dedication.So I will play by her rules now.

Rules are-  

1. Create a new post.

2. Thank the lovely person who nominated you for the award. 
3. Pass it on to your fellow bloggers.  

4. State 7 random facts about you.

1.Check.2.Check.
Fellow bloggers,huh?:-) Thankfully,these days I have been roaming about a lot on the blogosphere,discovering new blogs,awesome bloggers,insane writings and fabulous styles.So here goes-
1.Pigeonheadophobia-Funjabi.Lactose addict.Optimist.Entertaining.One of my most recent discoveries.(Gosh!I sound like a movie agent promoting fresh acting talent here!!) You know there is thing about girls with a sense of humor,which I find immensely irresistible.They make me smile,they make me want to read them again and again.CD,by the way,is no exception to this.;-)
2.Tarang-Okay!!Some people are just born to write.Like Tarang.And some like me are born to keep wishing that we can write like them.;-) Another recent find.Insanely frequent poster.And an even more insanely skilled writer.She got some of her stuff published in newspapers.Need I say more about her prowess??
3.Aditi/Smitten By Kitten/Meoww-Popular blogger.But as far as I am concerned,I discovered her just a week back.:-) Fun-loving.Cheerful.A bubbly ball of infectious happiness.Go check her out.:-)
4.Pradeeta/MSM-You guys know MSM,right?Mesmerizingly Seductive and Magical?That's what her writings will feel to you.;-) Although,she caller her blog Mystical Skeptical Me.You should check out some of her stuff.If I hadn't been feeling so lazy,I would given you guys a few yummyalicious links from her blog to munch on.But sorry!!:-( Today you gotta do all the hard work.But you won't be disappointed.:-)Promise.
5.The Fool-Good to great content creators come in all shapes and sizes,all kinds of names,all kinds of skills,all kinds of ideas.:-) Check this powerhouse of  a content machine out at his blog.This guy is clinical in his writings.Well articulated,well thought,each of his post stands as a testimony to the effort he puts in behind each post.Take a walk into The Fool's lair and you will keep wanting to come back for more.
6.Poorvi-Sometimes writing dedications is a tough jaab!!!Especially when you have described 5 awesome bloggers before someone and your mind is running out of new things to say.:-P So you know,you read the first 5?Take a little bit of everything from each one,mix 'em,throw in some more goodies like sensitivity,maturity and depth,and you get Poorvi.:-) I am serious.No kidding.Sacchi...*pinches his Adam's Apple*..mucchi...

7 random facts about me?Why the hell would you want to know that?But anyway,rules are rules,people.:-) So here goes-
1.I fell in love at the beginning of this year.Totally random.Totally weird.And it got over.Just like that.;-) Totally random.
2.I get super delighted when a fellow blogger sends me a chat request or drops me a mail at monumentalcrankiness@gmail.com.
3.I got two eyes,one nose and ten fingers.Not random enough?I got a heart.Still not random??Ok..wait for it...when I was born,the docs said I had a hole in my heart.;-) Maybe it is still there.It's a medical condition and that sorta thing.
4.When I was young,you know less than 5 year old young,I swallowed a torch bulb!!!!Yikes!!!Why?I was feeling hungry and angry 'coz my parents had gone out without giving me anything to munch on.I was given a special tonic to make me pass all the glass shreds out in my shit.I know,shit happens,right?? ;-)
5.I am terribly moody.I get all PMS-ey without having any menstruation to worry about in the first place.Phenomenally Moody Syndrome,people?Yup.That's me.:-P
6.I totally fall for women who are super-ambitious in their life.Strong.Independent.No need for masculine support.Yup.That's my kinda gal.;-)
7.What turns me off?Intolerance.Of other people,their opinions,their religious/non-religious affiliation,sexual orientations,race,color,ethnicity-everything.OK.I am a little bit of an intolerant jerk in some situations too.But that is purely because of my subjective preferences and biases.I don't claim to say what I feel is 'right' or 'wrong'.It's just my taste.I hate it when people pass judgement on other people,branding it 'right' or 'wrong'.

Now CD asked me 7 questions:-
1) Have you stopped getting those mental attacks you used to get earlier?
A.I manage ignore them.;-) I figured life is too short to be spent finding convincing answers to never-ending questions.
2) My name is "I" and Your name is "You". Tell me who is mad?
A.None of these.
3) What means kya?
A.Exactly.'What' means 'kya'..:P
4) If you had 'Alladin's lamp' , what would you ask for me?
A.I would wish that you get a clone who sits and tries to be pragmatic,while you can hop around doing all the crazy stuff..;-)
5) Tell me the name of the persons who shake their hands on Nokia instruments?
A.I assume one of them is the symbol of Congress which just got fed up of its party and ran away.The other is the hand which you find on Thumbs Up bottles,doing the Thumbs Up sign!!!;-)
6) When is your birthday?
A.September.I am a Libra,by the way.
7) I am hungry! What will you cook for me? I am a vegetarian.
A.Will a pot full of rich,creamy mushrooms do??

Okaaaay!!!!That's it from my side.Have fun hitting the links I put up here.Some of them will keep you entertained for a long time to come.Buhhh byyee!!!

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ZooZoo Chat

The following is an entry for Indiblogger's Internet is fun on Vodafone contest.I had a recent chit chat with Zonny the Zoo Zoo.Totally imaginary,of course.;-) Following is an excerpt.Enjoy.Ohh,and if your poor brain makes it out alive of all the pummeling I am going to unleash on you,do please visit this Vodafone link here.That's it from my side.Peace out!

Zonny the Zoo Zoo:         Ever wondered why we are called Zoo Zoo's? It's not like our species haunt the zoos all the time or something.

Me:                                 Beats me.Your creators were fans of the song Zoo Zoo Zoobi Zoobi Zoobi?

Zonny:                            I honestly dunno.Which movie was that from?

Me:                                 Can't place it.It had Mithun da in full dancing glory,that  much I remember.

Zonny:                            Gimme a sec.(Fishes out his mobile,types in a search phrase)Hmm.Dance Dance.Music director,Bappi Lahiri.

Me:                                 You think you can play the song?Video streaming works cool on your gadget?

Zonny:                            Smooth as silk.Here.(YouTube app starts playing the song)

Me:                                 Quite a feet tapping tune.

Zonny:                            Weird thing.Tune seems oddly familiar.You heard Brother Louie by Modern Talking?

Me:                                 Doesn't ring a bell.

Zonny:                            Let's ring it then.(types in his cell again).Here.Watch.

Me(whistles):                   So much for originality.By the way,excellent streaming.3G?

Zonny:                            You betcha.Good.Great.Grand.Total 3G.

Me(chuckles):                  Speaking of 3G,you were supah-awesomalicious in that superhero ad.Was a pleasure to watch in IPL breaks.Don't see you guys around much these days tho?What gives?

Zonny:                            You can't have too much of a good thing,dude.Becomes zaded.

Me(thoughtfully):             Makes sense.

Zonny goes on punching away intently at his smartphone.

Me:                                 Whadya up to?

Zonny:                            Tweeting and FB-ing this shit. The Modern Talking version as well as the Bappi Lahiri one.

Me:                                 People would be interested?

Zonny:                            Duh!5 likes and 2 comments already.And it's just been 55 seconds.

Me:                                Whelming.

Zonny(chuckles):             He he!Check out these comments.One is saying-"Genuine Music Piracy." And another guy followed it up with..."Pritam and Bappida-The Pirates Of The Bay Of Bengal."(shakes his head gleefully) These guys nah!

Me:                                 Pirates Of The Bay of Bengal,huh? Might send Johhny Depp into a Depp-ression!

Zonny(chuckles again):     LOL.Wait.Lemme put that up here.(types again)Yup done!

Me:                                 Bless your soul.

Z(rubbing his round tummy):Am famished.Any joints to eat nearby?

Me:                                 You are the one with Google Search in your pockets.

Z:                                   Right.(fingers moving furiously again)When you are gonna make yourself useful?Ok.Two Chinese restaurants nearby.One continental and another Italian.Which one would it be?

Me:                                 Chinese.Need to wrap my fork around some noodles.

Z:                                   I prefer my fork to dig into pasta and spaghetti.

Me:                                 How you exactly gonna eat?You just have a curve drawn on your face for a mouth.At most,it widens into a toothy smile.Solid.Impenetrable.

"Eating through painted mouths?Still a mystery."
Image Source:orkutplus.net

Z(frowning):                   You think they didn't think of a way around this manufacturing defect,already?

Me:                                 They did?

Z:                                   Duh.If we can't eat,how do you figure our tummies remain round and full all the time?

Me:                                 So how do you guys eat?

Z:                                    Trade secret.

Me:                                 Trade secret?

Z:                                   Can't let the competition know.Else they will bring out their own Zoo Zoo s in no time.

Me:                                 You guys that important?

Z:                                   Believe it.One of the competitors actually thought of launching a mobile game.It had helpless,harmless zoo zoos being flung around by a catapult.Objective was to crash as many Vodafone towers as possible with them.And you know what they called that shit?

Me:                                 Lemme guess.Angry Zoo Zoos?

Z:                                   Yeah,right,Angry Zoo Zoos.No prizes for guessing what that got ripped off from.I found it downright mean.What did we ever do to those folks anyway? 

Me:                                 You mean,except giving their marketing teams sleepless nights?

Z:                                   Duh!Is it our fault we are so damn cuddly and funny?We can't help if  people find us cuter than the IPL cheerleaders.

Me:                                 Guess not.

Z:                                   Speaking of games,I got this rad game here.Assassin's Creed.Altair's chronicles.Played?

Me:                                 On my android tablet.It's from Gameloft,is it not?

Z:                                    Hell yeah. That Gameloft site has an amazing bunch of games.

Me:                                 You should give EA Mobile and Jamster a shot too.As far as mobile games are concerned,they rule.

Z:                                   Hmm.Wait.I'll forget.(fingers fly on the phone again)Lemme just open those sites and bookmark 'em.

Me:                                 As you wish,monsieur!

Z(chortling):                     French,huh? My gf has a fetish for French. She even insisted we Skype in French for a change.Can you beat that?

Me:                                 Well I am talking to a talking Zoo Zoo.Can stuff get any weirder?

Z:                                   Tee Hee.Lame,man!

Me:                                 Whatever. So what did you do? Enrolled for a French class?

Z:                                   Nyah. That's old school. I just downloaded an app.Easy French.

Me:                                 That app any good?

Z(winks):                        Well, when Easy French couldn't do the job, I could always fall back on Google Translate and Babylon.

Me:                                 Smart.

Z:                                   Ain't I? By the way(slaps his forehead),I almost forgot. Promised my gal I would buy a Smart TV for her. Any idea where I should start fishing?You know,get a good deal without twitching a leg muscle and all that sortofa thing?

Me:                                 You checked MySmartPrice.com? Or MRPinIndia.in? Pretty good as far as online price comparisons are considered.

Z(cackling):                     All info at fingertips,baby!!! Mobile internet.Heeee Haaaaw!Best thing to happen since guilt-free sex.

Me(smiling too):              Okaaaay!

Z:                                   But wait up! Gotta check if I have the dough.(gets back to his phone.A bank site comes up on his phone's screen)

Me:                                 Convenience!

Z:                                   Recognized.Hmmm.(looking intently at his phone screen) Whadya know? TCS shares gone up.May as well sell me some shares.

Me:                                 A Zoo Zoo who eats Italian, speaks French and trades in Indian shares?This keeps getting better and better.

Z:                                   Sarcasm.

Me(tight-lipped smile):      Neutral observation.

Z:                                   I guess telling you how I pay my utility and my grocery bills isn't going to do anything to dilute your incredulity.

Me:                                 Lemme guess.Those happen from your fingertips too? Oxicash? Mobile wallet and all that new age hoopla?

Zoo Zoo just grins.

Me:                                 You know you worry me Zoo Zoo.You give your fingers a harrowing time.Worried about Carpal Tunnel Syndrome much?

Z(winks):                        A Zoo Zoo ain't got no bones.No bone injury to beat your head over.Manufacturing ingenuity.

Me:                                 That explains it.

Z:                                   You don't seem to be particularly fond of this mobile internet thing.Any heart-breaks?

Me:                                 Well I got ripped off once.Coughed up more than I bargained for. From that point on,I am a lil wary of surfing on my mobile.

Z(sympathetically):           I hear ya!There are a gazillion super-cool mobile internet products and services out there.But folks don't realize that the system resembles pay-per-view more than all-you-can-eat.

Me:                                 That's where I goofed up.Mobile browsing is charged by the amount of data sent and received.Not for time spent on the network, as is true with voice calls.I didn't pay much attention to these costs,until I got my first...and my last..wireless internet bill.

Z:                                   Quick tip.You should totally check your wireless carrier's on portal service.

Me:                                 What?

Z:                                   Vodafone has this super-cool  made-for-mobile portal with a rich array of products and services available for you to enjoy. The sites you can browse from that portal are considered on-portal.

Me:                                 You sooo sound like a pushy salesman when you say that.

Z:                                   Duh!What do you think we came to this earth for?It's all in our genes baby.Born this way!

Me:                                 Perfect!And just what are these quote ..unquote.. rich array of products and services?

Z:                                   News, weather, sports, finance, travel and that kinda stuff.Best thing.No extra charges.Plus other goodies.You know... buy ringtones, wallpapers, videos, music, and games and all that jazz.

Me:                                 Hmmm.Anything else I should be overly delighted about?

Z:                                   You can totally turn your cell into a pocket TV.Listen to music.Do FB,Myspace,Yahoo.The regular shit!Give it a spin.Just be a lil careful with your plan and you will be good to go.

Me:                                 Let's just grab some lunch.Once my tummy is content,I can think about it.

Z:                                   Amen!And by the way,these HAT s suck!(starts to take off his Human Audio Translator)Beastly uncomfy!

Me:                                 How on earth are we gonna talk otherwise,Einstein?It's not as if I do Zoo Zoo talk.

Z:                                   I think we chatted a lot already.I need to give my gal a call.So veuillez m'excuser .

Me:                                What?

Z(snickers):                     French for please excuse me.You totally need Easy French.
Me(rolls eyes):                 Say hi to Susan for me,will ya?

Z:                                   It's ZoouZaan.With Z's not S.Gosh.Why do people get that wrong all the time?

Le Fin
(French for The End,you idiots!!!)

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The Rapist-VI

Three days later at the hospital
"You brought me flowers!" Vin chirped,sniffing the bouquet Marlowe had brought him." Very thoughtful.Kinda gay.But very thoughtful."

"Those aren't from me,"Marlowe answered."Jill Andrews sent them."

"What?She is here?"Vin sat up in his bed.

"She was.She left."

"Weird,"Vin reflected,puzzled."Why didn't she meet me?"

Marlowe shrugged."She wanted to.But she changed her mind and left."

"Hmm,"Vin muttered.

Marlowe continued in an upbeat tone,"We had a nice chat.She and I.I told her about Iraq.About your donations." He paused amusedly to see Vin hanging on to his every word."She seemed quite overwhelmed."

"There we go with the overwhelming thing again." Vin uttered irritably."What's wrong with just getting 'whelmed'?"

"Well actually after hearing about your altruism,she offered something which seemed like a nice suggestion," Marlowe kept on his enthusiastic tone."Something about how you can more effectively channel all that rage.Something which you might find..whelming."

"Yeah?"

And Marlowe told him what Jill had said.After listening to it,Vin sat silent for a few seconds.
Finally he spoke,"Ok.I am officially.. whelmed."

Seven months later
The hair on Sarah Parker's nape stood straight and she could feel a shiver down her spine as Vin's rough palm locked around her throat.Vin brought his face dangerously close to hers as he hissed,"What are you gonna do now,cunt?"

Sarah froze for a second and although she knew better,she let her instincts take over.She bounced her right knee up,meaning to zero in between Vin's legs.

Vin slapped her knee down even before she could raise it a decent couple of feet off the floor.

"Sarah,what did I teach you about not aiming for the balls?" Vin spoke in a reprimanding tone."A guy learns pretty early on to shield them.Plus,that has been done way too many times in the movies.Any guy who wants to try something nasty with you - will be careful about keeping his junk from harm's way.Remember what you learnt.What is the first point you can hit when a guy comes up too close to you?"

"The shin and the chin,"Sarah replied,feeling a bit stupid at failing to use the knowledge which Vin had repeatedly talked about.

"Exactly.Now you forgot to focus.It's perfectly normal in a situation like this.But you gotta do better."Vin said in a soothing tone and then turned to the group of nine women standing in workout clothes before him.
"The purpose of this role playing demo was to teach you ladies one simple point,"he lectured."It's easy to forget whatever you learn here when you are afraid.That's why you gotta do better.Focus.Think.Spot his vulnerable areas.And strike.Are we clear on this?"

The group of women,mostly in their 20s and 30s,mumbled something in acknowledgement.

"I can't hear ya!"Vin raised his voice.

"Yeah!!!"The women shouted in unison.

"Awesome.Remember what you are here for gals.It's all about control.In the face of a threat,you stand your ground and make sure you use any and every technique available to you to get out.You just use what works.Ok?"

"Yeah!!!"The group shouted again.

"Okk,"Vin said clapping his hands together briefly,"today I teach you five more basic moves.You will learn how to break out of a hold if the assailant.." Vin stopped mid-way as she saw a woman in uniform standing at the door and beaming in his direction.

"Ladies,just excuse me for a few minutes,"Vin said and he made his way towards the woman.

"Officer Andrews,fancy having you here," he stood close to her and smiled,extending his hand.

Jill took his hand in a firm shake and returned the smile."I see you took my advice."She looked around the huge room where he trained the women and nodded appreciatively."I am impressed."

"Yes,and you actually had a..",and as he said this,he raised his hand,pinching his index finger and thumb together,"..point five percent contribution in this.Go ahead.Pat yourself on the back."

"Still the perfect gentleman I met seven months back,I see," Jill made a dig.

"Right.So why are you here exactly?"

"Oh, I met with Marlowe recently.He told me about this self-defense gym you have set up.I just thought about paying a visit."

"Right,let's get some privacy,"he uttered and led her to an adjoining room where they could talk alone.He then continued,"Speaking of seven months back,I do remember asking you for a date and a number."

"I don't give a date or my number to a guy when I can totally whip his ass."

"Ohh that," Vin scratched his forehead."You know...Back then....Things would have played out very differently if you had not taken me by such a surprise."

"Ohh I would really like to burst that pretty bubble of yours," she said defiantly.

"Why not?Let's do it right now.Mano a mano.The winner pays for the date tonight."

"We are gonna have a date tonight?"

"We are gonna have a date tonight."

"In your wildest...craziest....definitely not gonna happen...dreams."

"The whole thing is playing in my mind right now.You are wearing a backless red gown.Not overly gorgeous.But pleasingly elegant.I am casually dressed in blazer and jeans.I pick you up at seven thirty.."

"What part of definitely not gonna happen don't you understand?"

"The part which keeps telling me that you are just dying to go on a date with me right now."

"I can kick your ass."

"Can you spank it a bit too?Coz my ass would totally love that."

"Ok.That does it.Let's do it.First one to kiss the ground loses."

"Can't get any better."

"I will try and be gentle," Jill's eyes and voice mocked.

"It's gonna be tough for me.I can't hurt you and everything.But I'll try and be mean," Vin said with his usual sarcasm.

"Prepare to get your butt kicked,soldier."

"Prepare to go on a date."

Jill flung her fist wildly.Aimlessly.Vin quickly moved his right leg behind her left leg and shoved her gently.Jill deliberately didn't try to break her fall.

Jill fell softly to the floor and Vin knelt beside her and grinned."What do you know?I win."

"Seven-thirty.Don't you dare be late," Jill smiled happily.

The End

P.S.This piece was purely a work of fiction.No man,woman or otherwise was hurt during the making of this story.Special thanks to CD, Rachika, Swarnali and Rohu for reading each and every piece of this hopeless story as I kept posting them.I had loads of fun writing this story.Hope you had fun reading it.Enjoy!!Adios!!

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The Rapist-V

Vin was on the ground panting furiously,his back propped against a car.His stomach in immense pain.It was carrying a bullet fired seconds ago by Ken's revolver.Vin grit his teeth,trying to tune out the pain.
Ken smiled as he pointed his gun at Vin's head."What?No last wise-cracks?"
The pain was blurring his vision.Vin just managed to look straight into Ken's eyes.
"I told you you were gonna regret leaving the bar,"Ken said with diabolical relish as his fingers prepared to squeeze the trigger.

Three minutes ago
"You are gonna regret not just enduring the boredom at the bar,"Ken said as his right fist flew towards Vin's face.
Vin ducked the blow and jumped towards Ken,intending to tackle him to the ground.Unfortunately,he wasn't fast enough and Ken rising knee caught him squarely in his chin. Simultaneously,Ken brought down a mighty blow  with his elbow on the back of Vin's head.Vin's skull seemed about to burst from the trauma, while Ken grabbed hold of his throat and pressed it hard enough to make him choke.The enraged officer then encircled his huge arms around Vin's body,trapping his hands,and squeezed him with all the juice in his biceps.Ken's hands were locked behind Vin's back and he pressed his forehead into Vin's sternum like an angry bull.He simultaneously pulled his locked hands inwards towards himself.Vin shut his eyelids shut from the torture and pressure being exerted onto his chest.Ken was hurting the shit out of the bones and muscles on his back as well as forcing the air out of his lungs.

"War hero,huh?"Ken growled with an animalistic amusement."Frankly speaking,I am a bit underwhelmed."

Vin opened his eyes and looked over Ken's massive shoulders to see Jill's body lying unconscious on the floor several feet away.Something about her lying prostrate and defenseless reminded him too much of the Iraqi girl he couldn't save five years ago.There was this strange sense of deja vu which he couldn't shake off.

His arms were pinned to his body and useless now.Vin pulled back as much as he could in Ken's painful bear hug,and smashed his head against Ken's with all the strength his back muscles could muster.

An agonizing torment exploded in his head as his vision became totally black for a couple of seconds.Ken screamed aloud from the affliction Vin had just subjected him to.He let go of Vin and staggered back a few steps.But his gigantic body recovered amazingly quickly and he lunged towards Vin again,grabbing him by the neck and shoving him backwards until his back collided  with the side of a car.

"You are an annoying prick!You know that?!" Ken spat out at Vin as he brought his face to bear down just inches away from Vin's.

"Oh,I just have a habit of getting on people's nerves," Vin smirked and started jabbing at all of Ken's pain-sensitive nerve-centers within his reach.Ken's face twisted in a paroxysm of pain.His grip on Vin's neck weakened and Vin seized the chance to push Ken away.

Ken slided backwards and as he came to a stop,he immediately withdrew his pistol from his holster and aimed it at his opponent.
"Fuck you,ass-hole,"Ken grit his teeth and pulled the trigger.

Vin cried out as the bullet pierced his stomach and he slumped to the ground.

Ken aimed his gun at Vin's head and sneered,"What?No more wise-cracks?"
Vin looked up to meet Ken's gaze.As he started squeezing on the trigger,Ken lipped,"I told you you were gonna regret leaving the bar."

There was a dull thud.
Of metal meeting skull.
And Ken's blacked out body collapsed on to the floor.
Marlowe stood over him with his metal suitcase clutched in his hands,ready to strike again should the situation warrant it.He looked at the gun for a moment and  kicked it away from Ken's benumbed hands.
His forehead still bleeding,he walked over clumsily to Vin and plopped down beside him.

"Woah!What do you know?Bailed out by my lawyer twice the same day,"Vin said,breathing heavily."Looks like I gotta raise your fees."

Marlowe was breathing heavily too."Well frankly,Mr.Kent,"he spoke between gasps,"I am a bit overwhelmed.You coming to our help like that.Really heroic."

Vin struggled and managed to say,"Ken was underwhelmed.You are overwhelmed.Why can't anyone be just... whelmed?"

Marlowe said something in return,but Vin could not make out what.A dull blackness spread through his eyes.Before he passed out,he looked one last time at Jill.
Barbie!He thought.Ken and Barbie.Vin and Barbie sound way cuter though.

The End/To be continued?

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